Dear Christopher…

Q:

Hey Chris. Do you f*** with da war?

A:

Hey there stranger,
I often consider your question, but only when I’m pillow talkin with a vegetarian gal or contemplating alien invasion. Please don’t neglect the brain.

$ave Dat Money,
The Independent Variable

Q:

So I met this guy and I really want to take it to the next level… but I’m scared. I have this fetish that I’m afraid to tell him about. It mostly involves peanut butter and paint brushes. What do, Daddy Chris?

A:

Hello my kinky Friend,
There are three ways you can approach this: silently, slowly or shockingly. You can silently remain un-peanut-buttered and un-paint-brushed. You can slowly start replacing the candles in your bedroom with peanut butter jars and ease him into it. Or, you could shock him in a “romantic jiffy” and see what happens. Either he will think you’re nutty or you’ll have found the perfect jelly/canvas fetishist to complete you.
Stay artistic but take a shower,
That One Dude

Q:

So. Here’s the thing. I see these ads on the SU website and throughout campus that say ‘Dare Forth’ and ‘One of the Ones.’ Why won’t SU stop telling me how to live my life?

A:

Fellow SUian,
One must choose their battles wisely. While they may be spending your tuition on huge banners and campaigns that make no sense, your battle remains in the classroom. Maybe switch your major to marketing and help SU make suggestions instead of “inspiring” assertions?
Just another One of the Ones,
The Daring Carer

Chris Salsbury's story is that of an average man with little gusto. Born of parents, and raised in Colorado, for years he sought out the mundane and unexciting. After tiring of deep space exploration, international seduction, philanthropy and the monotony of toppling corrupt political regimes he finally decided to something interesting with his life. He got his life together, went to college and joined the university news paper...The rest remains to be written.


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