An Election Lament

As far as I am concerned, this presidential election is a lose-lose situation. But even as I watched all of my choice candidates drop out of the race without reaching their full potential, I knew America would still be okay.

To be frank, I must admit that not all of the candidates I have supported had a chance in hell of winning, but I knew if by some miracle they managed to get on that ballot, they would make me and my country proud.

I planned for this election many years in advance and quickly ruled out James Cameron, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hugh Jackman solely based on their countries of origin but, mind you, never ruled them out of my heart.

Many of my friends continue to support the most qualified candidate for the presidential job in years, but I cannot bring myself to support him after what transpired back in ’63. Nevertheless, JFK’s ghost would certainly do more for his country than his country did for him this election.

For the longest time I was a strong David Bowie 2016 supporter, but when good ol’ DB went the way of the starman I was again forced to ch-ch-change my candidate.

As candidate after candidate left the running, still I knew that even if Satan ran for office and won—which he did in 1902—America would still overcome and continue on in the name of liberty and justice as it always has.

Indubitably the strongest prez/vice-prez pairing of the century was straight out the garden, Beet and his running mate Dr. Dre. With the slogan “Beets by Dre beats Trump trumps Clinton,” I thought for sure the duo would lay down a track to the white house or, at least, be a delicious side dish.

Tupac: inspiring and good with millennials, his biggest shortcoming was his inability to regulate a campaign. Complications such as “being a criminal” and “dead” caused him trouble on the trail despite being Amerikaz most wanted.

Finally: Kanye West. The lean, mean, 2016 machine did very little campaigning, leading some sources to speculate about his participation in the election at large and in general. “Yeezus” took many important political stances and accrued countless voters of varying ages with slogans like “can’t tell me nothing,” “I am not running for president,” “your chick seems so thirsty,” “you should be honored by my lateness,” and “for real, why do people keep asking if I am running for president?”

With such a close and long-winded race to be POTUS, there are several facts that need to be faced. Many people are unhappy, many are happy, many are hungry and some are horny. Regardless of your feelings, gravity still pulls down, birds still fly and you still have class tomorrow — life goes on.

Chris Salsbury, Copy Chief

Chris Salsbury's story is that of an average man with little gusto. Born of parents, and raised in Colorado, for years he sought out the mundane and unexciting. After tiring of deep space exploration, international seduction, philanthropy and the monotony of toppling corrupt political regimes he finally decided to something interesting with his life. He got his life together, went to college and joined the university news paper...The rest remains to be written.


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